What I Wish I Had Known About Baby Sleep
Read part one here.
My son slept exceptionally well for the first 4 months. I moved him to his crib in his room, which he shares with his nanny when he was 3 months. Then the 4-month sleep regression struck and he woke a bit more often. Then on the 4th of June he turned 8 months and his first teeth came and he hit the 8-month sleep regression. He hasn’t slept well since.
At the same time for a number of personal / social / weather related reasons I stopped exercising. I couldn’t sleep, he kept waking, when I woke I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours. In my musings at unearthly hours coupled with browsing out of boredom, I’ve hit upon a chain of thought and I wish I thought this way earlier.
1) Though the baby sleep sites and books say, babies will never learn how to sleep on their own, I figured out one night that that’s absurd. We all learnt how to sleep on our own at our own pace, some at two years and some way earlier. Babies, children, and even adults grow out of habits like they grow out of clothes. Just like babies don’t have to be trained to crawl or walk, they don’t have to be trained to sleep.
2) I called a friend who was very against sleep training, and she told me it’s a developmental milestone. Her daughter one fine day slept through the night at one and a half years when she was ready.
3) I’ve tried a lot of gentle methods to help him sleep. My son is clearly not ready.
4) I am a stay at home mom and can lie in whenever I wish.
5) It’s not such a big deal for me that my baby is waking up often.
6) It’s upsetting me because the books say my baby should sleep and he is not sleeping. Its also upsetting because other people say ‘are you still feeding in the night???????’. Though most moms I know have one and a half year olds who still wake up.
7) But honestly I love it.
8) When he goes to his bed I miss him and want to smell him one more time.
9) Why am I losing sleep really?
10) I am losing sleep because I resent the fact that he is waking up when he should be sleeping and I am a terrible mom because I am screwing up his sleep forever and ever by attending to him with care and love.
So, four nights ago I brought him into my bed after resolving all this internal dialogue. And sometimes he wakes often. Sometimes he doesn’t wake often. But I sleep much better than before because I know this is where he belongs and I don’t mind nursing him when he needs me.
A few days ago a fellow mom pinged me to chat on FB. I told her N still wakes about twice to feed. She said oh that’s just wrong, you must stop it at once, because her doctor says : If you had a midnight buffet at 3 am would you be able to eat? No? Then why should your baby? Well I’m truly sorry doc, but I believe (as usual) you’re wrong. An infant’s needs are different than ours. Neither you nor I can pinpoint why a baby is waking but as his mother I need to be there for him.
Another fellow mom of a 3 month old messaged me the other day asking when did N start sleeping through the night. I told her the whole truth. She was surprised because she thought no 3-month-old baby should feed in the night and she walked with her baby for hours but did not offer him the breast.
I’m done being part of this absurdity.
For anyone asking:
No my nearly 9 month old son does not sleep through the night.
Yes I still nurse him twice sometimes thrice a night.
Yes I know he may not be hungry. It does not matter.
No he will not nurse forever.
Yes when he stops/ I want the nursing relationship to end we will deal with it together.
No I do not believe I am spoiling him, just teaching him that he can always depend on his mamma and attending to his physiological needs.
Yes I’m in for the long haul of interrupted sleep. But since I am a mom now it comes with the territory.
For more reading these are some excellent links, which I’ve read many times over the last few months but have only just hit home:
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/we-go-together-like-breastfeeding-and-co-sleeping/
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/why-is-saving-babies-lives-not-enough/
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/sleep-a-misguided-and-unhealthy-obsession/
http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/sleep/
http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/comfortnursing/
Write to me in the comments fellow moms / dads. I really want to know – is your baby sleeping through the night?
Follow
My daughter is 7 1/2 months old. She wakes up at least three times a night, sometimes to nurse, sometimes just to snuggle. I would not trade those moments of snuggles and cuddles for anything. I am a working mom. I love any and all time I get with my daughter, even if it means I don’t get 8 hours of sleep a night.
i know i wish i had thought this way from the start instead of worrying about why my son is still waking up, specially when I love having him near me so much ! thanks for the comment !
Love this! My daughter will be three next week. She was a terrible sleeper from the day we brought her home. I finally gave in and bedshared with her from 1 month old until close to 2. She woke every hour for at least the first year, sometimes she would go two-three hours before waking to nurse. At 18 months, in her full size bed in her room, she started to wake every hour and a half to nurse. This lasted a couple of months. Around 2 she night weaned and a bit later she started actually sleeping through the night. As in going to bed at 8pm and waking up at 7 am with no night wakings. This is still going on at almost three and it is amazing! So yes, babies sleep through the night…when they become toddlers.
thanks! this i so reassuring. its obviously the most normal and natural way to do it. And while it may seem endless I know for sure this time is going to fly by and I will wonder why I ever worried about it in the first place 🙂
22 months and still wakes at least once a night. Mostly sleeps in our bed but has started moving himself into the sidecar crib a bit more recently. A few nights he’s gone all night without nursing but hasn’t weaned off yet. And I’m just going with the flow..
Thats awesome to know and I am so happy I have made up my mind to go with the flow too. I know now that its the right thing to do. and honestly each night is different. like last night my baby turned away from me twice and fell asleep knowing i was right there next to him when he needs me 🙂
You might find this article interesting as well:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/newborns/case-against-ferber-sleep
13mo DD back to twice per night at the moment.
Hi Thanks for sharing!
And now that I know I’m in for the long haul, 13 months does not seem that long anymore 🙂
Mine wake at night like all babies allowed to be their authentic selves might. They have not given up on calling for me, and know they are welcomed into our bed when they feel they need to be close to us. They are 5, 6, and 8. One stopped eating at night at 18 months, one at 3 years and the other at 5 years. Yes, 5 years. She’s healthy, independent, and all of them have spent most of each night in their own beds from when try we’re ready until now. They aren’t spoiled, manipulative, or “too dependent”. Actually, I attribute their amazing independence now to our allowing them to be as dependent as necessary, as long as they needed it. Now, at these ages, they sill wake to pee, because of nightmares, because they’re lonely.. Some of the younger ones will hop into bed with an older sibling, especially if our bed is full.
It’s a beautiful thing, having kids who know that you’re there for them without judgement or barriers due to time of day. Science has long disproven the rediculous notion of “self-soothing” – it is not a human skill. It is false. Our human children need human adults to help regulate their emotional and physiologic states. Well into childhood. My children are perfectly human!
“Actually, I attribute their amazing independence now to our allowing them to be as dependent as necessary, as long as they needed it. ” i love this, very well put.
yes you would think it’s so logical would’nt you that human children need human adults, and still some of the most well read amongst us fall for the propaganda out there that is self soothing and sleep training.
its amazing what you’ve done with your children thanks so much for sharing!
Also I feel alot of the problems arise because first time moms believe what the doctors say is sacrosanct. we have to start trusting our instincts as moms first before listening to the doctors as they do not know our specific child.
my brother almost never woke at night as a baby and is the most serene, easy going and unperturbed person I know even today.That would explain why he didn’t have needs in the nights and happily slept through.
Yup, it is all bull what they tell moms about babies sleeping through the night! My first was not a sleeper! We wanted to get her a t-shirt that said “SLeep is for the weak!” In her defense, she was a reasonable sleeper before 4 months… which does not include sleeping through the night because, well babies don’t typically sleep through the night at that age. She went back and forth between her bed and ours. She woke at least once a night for milk (nursing and later cow’s milk) til she was 3 years 8 months. She now sleeps like a log and at age 6 ANYTHING can happen and she’ll sleep through it, she has slept with her little sister and slept through screaming 😛
The 22 month old nurses at least twice a night, some days she can’t settle and it is more. She wakes, nurses and goes back to sleep… between that (her sister was more likley to party in the night) and the fact she exclusively sleeps in my bed, this has been a lot easier on me than the first.
I wish I hadn’t listened to all the silliness about infant sleep with my first! That caused me more stress than her waking 😉 I like Elizabeth Pantley’s “No Cry Sleep Solution” and the follow up toddler one, cause the first thing she does is talk about infant sleep, patterns, needs (some DO need to eat in the night til 18 months), stats including that the majority of preschoolers DO need someone to lay with them to get to sleep and then really asks people to think about if they NEED to do something about the sleep situation, cause it just has to work for those living together (ie. if hte only “issue” is auntie says co-sleeping is terrible… well, that’s not an issue) 😀
Thats the thing. if we all weren’t told that your baby should be sleeping by so and so month I think we would all sleep easier knowing wakings were normal.
Mine sleeps well but wakes up in between but does not play in the night. he goes right back to sleep. so i really had no reason to complain. he is a highly active spirited baby so broken sleep is to be expected.
i don’t need to lose sleep over it.
But I was losing sleep thinking he was doing something abnormal but in fact it’s regular infant behavior.
This is a great reminder to all moms. They are only little for so long, I savor the moment I slip into her room to snuggle and nurse at 2a. She’s so calm and peaceful and it’s so powerful that you’re the only thing they need.
My daughter slept 12 hours straight for the first time at 14 months. She did it for 3 nights and then not again until 15 months. Something always happens that makes us take a step back (cold shots etc). Cleary she’s capable, but not ready yet.
I’m tired of people who have children and expect the to fit into their existing lives with no changes. Those are the people who use CYO and judge others for still nursing 2x per night.
yes true. when you’re a parent yourself i can’t understand how you can judge anything once you realise what an uphill task everything that looks easy from the outside is. baby sleep is a good example. before you’re a parent if anyone talks about how complicated it is you’d be like whaat?
and yes life definitely changes once you have a child. the more you accept that the easier i think.
Yes… but not quickly and not always. Kids are humans too – just like sometimes I don’t sleep through the night, wake up for a snack, or wake up from a nightmare – so will they… I try not to stress about it *too much 🙂
http://oneorganicmama.blogspot.com/2013/03/why-i-dont-stress-about-sleep.html
haha, they key is not to stress i guess. easier said than done.
I am sad for you that you didn’t know beforehand those things that you know now. Luckily, I took amazing pre-natal classes that talked about sleep, and ‘attachment parenting’. I’m not quite an AP mama, but close.
My DD was up, and nursed 4 times a night until she was 2. Then slowly over the next 6 months, she went down to 3, 2, 1, then no wake ups 2-4 times a week. I on the other hand woke up all the time, partly b/c around age 2 we had also stopped bed-sharing and I stirred every time she rolled over. I finally clued in a month ago to close both doors since she is now old enough (4) to get out of her bed, and come to my room if she needs me.
To me, this was ALL NORMAL. Different from others maybe, but her normal. As someone else said, we don’t sleep through the night as adults, why do we think kids should? As well, your friend with the 3 month old may not realize that breast fed babies metabolize their food more quickly, and since they are having a growth spurt around that age, need more. Think about that poor baby, hungry and crying?
I also likened my ‘go to her, feed her when necessary’ to the fact that I have cried myself to sleep. What an awful feeling. Sure, sometimes it was a deep sleep, but it wasn’t a deep sleep for a good reason, but b/c I felt like I had had a great loss and that there was no one I could turn to. It’s a very empty and alone feeling. Why would I do that to my child?
BTW, it’s pretty common somewhere between 1 and 2 years old to have a sleep issue that includes waking for 1-3 hours in the middle of the night and wanting to play. I found that by supporting it, it didn’t last long, but it sucked! 🙂
Finally, I love ahaparenting that Greg mentioned above, and you may want to check out this FB page too. It’s the group I had my pre-natal classes through and they offer lots of up-to-date info on everything baby. https://www.facebook.com/thechildbearingsociety?ref=ts&fref=ts
I’m sorry that for a long time you felt alone, or that you were doing something wrong, but rest assured that by supporting your son, you are doing him a great service. Also, an hour before you go to bed, try putting a cool cloth on your forehead, it can help with sleep issues. Apparently tart cherry juice can help to, if you can find it where you are.
hi, thanks so much for sharing your experience 🙂
will try the cool cloth think though like i said it much better now!
Just today I took him to the doctor for his vaccination after three months and he said to me, the firs thing you need to do is wean him in the night because he had grown so well. haha.
and in my pre natal class the lady said and I quote, at 3 months the baby will sleep through the night and after that you should not offer breast or bottle. i thought that was normal! how little i knew 🙂
thanks for sharing
http://books.google.co.in/books/about/Go_the_Fuck_to_Sleep.html?id=1ay9-cIc5jIC&redir_esc=y
Hey a really good one and really much needed, as you lknow, this too shall pass, when it does u and all the moms will miss it!
If this were true even in western countries, this book wouldnt have been a best seller!!!
Hey Ayesha. Defi going to have a look at that book 🙂 thanks
Hey Aloka,
I so agree with you about not stressing about baby sleeping through the night. My baby is now 18 months old. I nursed him till he was 13 months (though from around 10 months it was only nursing during the night). At 13 months he weaned himself and did not demand to be nursed. He started sleeping through the night from 5 months till about 9. Then around 9 months he started waking up sometimes 2 or 3 times to be nursed or to be played with. SOmetimes just to look if I am there next to him. He always slept with me as I found it very difficult to get up and pick him up from his cot. He still sleeps with me and is not ready to sleep alone. I think its perfect! And what you are doing about your baby is just the right thing to do!
Thanks for sharing archana 🙂
My 2yr old mostly sleeps through the night. My 4yr old still needs an adult (usually her father these days) to provide reassurance or a drink of water in the night.
I nursed them many times a night until we were both ready to cut back on night-time feeds (sometime around 18-20mths for both), and I don’t regret it at all! Its such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
Sometimes the old advice of “you need to teach them to sleep through the night” echoed in my head, but obviously its rubbish because I never sleep trained and lo and behold have 2 children who eventually did sleep well.
You’re rockin it mama!
Thanks a lot that’s very reassuring 🙂
I can’t believe some people would wake up with a 3 month old baby and not nurse them to sleep!??! WHAT the… that just doesn’t make any sense, why are people trying to make things harder on themselves?! Co-sleeping is the best. I’ve co-slept with my two girls, the 3 year old and the 11 month old are both in my room, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m feeding both of them, although the three year old usually sleeps mostly through the night and she doesn’t get the boob at night, but the little ones does, for sure! Some people are crazy! Do what feels right, don’t read those silly books 🙂
Yes can you believe that! I was shocked as well . And yes by fighting natural instincts of the mom and the baby we’re making things harder than they should be !
Hey babe,
Till last week I would have probably said, “thank god R ( will be 9 months on 25th July) is sleeping just fine”. This week though is a different story altogether. Not sleeping at his usual time, waking up in the middle of the night, wanting TLC to go back to sleep, seems like a routine. I fret about it for a couple of days – but like you said I accepted that it comes with the territory. Now we have fun in the middle of the night as well. Of course people around think I am just giving in to him tantrums and making a demanding baby – frankly I don’t give a damn.
Love
P
I am from India but working in Middle East, wife is a working professional in India. Its a nuclear family, and my wife is a only person who is taking care of the baby after returning back from work. We have a baby of 22 months, and still he wakes up twice or thrice in the night for nursing. Whenever he sleeps late or early in the night, he will get up early in the morning. In short my wife is not able to take enough sleep. Do we have any tips by which at least she gets a 8 hr sound sleep.
Hi Prashant. unfortunately I don’t. Babies and toddlers and children historically were looked after by communities. Today’s modern lifestyle forces the mother to take the complete onus which is not easy on her at all.
Babies and toddlers will continue to wake and eat like they have always been doing and they do this because of their own biological rhythms and for many many reasons. Here are some reasons. http://evolutionaryparenting.com/reasons-toddlers-wake-at-night/
my toddler also never sleeps beyond 7:30 – 8 and wakes up 4 to 5 times.
Here are some really gentle ways to help a toddler sleep more.
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
hope this helps
My 8 month old is just starting to go back to his crib for the first part of the night. When he wakes at 2/3 I cosleep for the rest of the night. He comfort nurses back to sleep and around 6, wakes and feeds to drift off for another 30 mins to an hour. On more challenging nights he’s up a few times in-between 2 and 6. I have also heard the nagging voice that said, he doesn’t know how to sleep, it’s my fault for nursing… it’s a tough feeling stuck between exhausted and guilty and wondering what on earth am I doing wrong. For me, getting him in his crib has helped him sleep more soundly. And gives me a bit of time to recharge before the all night buffet begins. He’s different than my first. she’s 2 3/4 now and has been sleeping all night for a year now. He will too though. it’s better to do what works not what people (who’s ideas are counter intuitive) say to do. Babies are all different.